What appears below is a post from an NHL disussion group. Thanks to Greg Dafoe, Hamilton, Ontario
Greg: I am popping a chocolate Easter egg in my mouth as I type this (truly I am
actually doing that).
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q : Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
>
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and wellpreserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - 'WOO HOO! What a Ride!'"
Humor is mankind's great blessing ~ Mark Twain
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Little boy in the YMCA Funny
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
[forwarded by Beverly Davis]
today'sTHOT============================
My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
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===============================
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
[forwarded by Beverly Davis]
today'sTHOT============================
My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
A DINNER PARTY FUNNY
A fellow hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
today'sTHOT============================
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
today'sTHOT============================
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
A LIGHT BULB FUNNY
Question: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 0 ... the light bulb has to want to change.
[forwarded by David Smith]
today'sTHOT============================
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
=======================================
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===============================
Answer: 0 ... the light bulb has to want to change.
[forwarded by David Smith]
today'sTHOT============================
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Thursday, March 21, 2013
A CAT IN HEAVEN FUNNY
A cat died and went to heaven.
God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God replied, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL! The Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
[forwarded by Jere Short]
today'sTHOT============================
Help! I keep hitting ESC but I'm still here!
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God replied, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL! The Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
[forwarded by Jere Short]
today'sTHOT============================
Help! I keep hitting ESC but I'm still here!
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
A FIRST GRADE FUNNY
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
[forwarded by Beverly Davis]
today'sTHOT============================
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
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===============================
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
[forwarded by Beverly Davis]
today'sTHOT============================
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Monday, March 18, 2013
A brothers in church funny
I was sitting in church with my boys, four and two. I was just pleased that they were not making noise and never thought they were actually paying attention.
The scripture reading was from Matthew 5 and when the speaker said, "If you hate your brother, you are guilty of murder"
I then heard my four-year-old say, "Oh-oh."
[from Linda Eberly]
-----------------
Giving credit ... The 03.11: A Job Funny was apparently first printed in Reader's Digest. Thanks to Christina for letting me know...
today'sTHOT============================
Please be careful to whom you say, "Be yourself." It's not for everybody.
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The scripture reading was from Matthew 5 and when the speaker said, "If you hate your brother, you are guilty of murder"
I then heard my four-year-old say, "Oh-oh."
[from Linda Eberly]
-----------------
Giving credit ... The 03.11: A Job Funny was apparently first printed in Reader's Digest. Thanks to Christina for letting me know...
today'sTHOT============================
Please be careful to whom you say, "Be yourself." It's not for everybody.
=======================================
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
A Flagpole Funny
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
[forwarded by JR]
today'sTHOT============================
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
[forwarded by JR]
today'sTHOT============================
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A Puppies Funny
A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the experienced vet realized it would be difficult to tell which had been treated and which hadn't. The Vet turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers and moistened each dog's head as she finished giving each one the necessary shots.
After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto talkative client had grown silent and was looking rather reverent.
As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the owner leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
[ forwarded by www.facebook.com/sermonfodder ]
today'sTHOT============================
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the experienced vet realized it would be difficult to tell which had been treated and which hadn't. The Vet turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers and moistened each dog's head as she finished giving each one the necessary shots.
After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto talkative client had grown silent and was looking rather reverent.
As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the owner leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
[ forwarded by www.facebook.com/sermonfodder ]
today'sTHOT============================
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
=======================================
PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Monday, March 11, 2013
Thomas Merton's Prayer of Abandonment
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
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