Friday, November 30, 2012

Saint Andrew

Andrew was St. Peter’s brother, and was called with him. "As [Jesus] was walking by the sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon who is now called Peter, and his brother Andrew, casting a net into the sea; they were fishermen. He said to them, ‘Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men.’ At once they left their nets and followed him" (Matthew 4:18-20).

John the Evangelist presents Andrew as a disciple of John the Baptist. When Jesus walked by one day, John said, "Behold, the Lamb of God." Andrew and another disciple followed Jesus. "Jesus turned and saw them following him and said to them, ‘What are you looking for?’ They said to him, ‘Rabbi’ (which translated means Teacher), ‘where are you staying?’ He said to them, ‘Come, and you will see.’ So they went and saw where he was staying, and they stayed with him that day" (John 1:38-39a).

Little else is said about Andrew in the Gospels. Before the multiplication of the loaves, it was Andrew who spoke up about the boy who had the barley loaves and fishes (see John 6:8-9). When the Gentiles went to see Jesus, they came to Philip, but Philip then had recourse to Andrew (see John 12:20-22).

Legend has it that Andrew preached the Good News in what is now modern Greece and Turkey and was crucified at Patras.

Comment:

As in the case of all the apostles except Peter and John, the Gospels give us little about the holiness of Andrew. He was an apostle. That is enough. He was called personally by Jesus to proclaim the Good News, to heal with Jesus' power and to share his life and death. Holiness today is no different. It is a gift that includes a call to be concerned about the Kingdom, an outgoing attitude that wants nothing more than to share the riches of Christ with all people.

Quote:

“...[T]he Twelve called together the community of the disciples and said, ‘It is not right for us to neglect the word of God to serve at table. Brothers, select from among you seven reputable men, filled with the Spirit and wisdom, whom we shall appoint to this task, whereas we shall devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word’” (Acts 6:2-4).

Patron Saint of:

Fishermen
Greece
Russia
Scotland



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Ironworker Funny

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An ironworker calmly walked the narrow beam 15 floors above the city street. Even with heavy winds blowing and a driving rain falling, he showed no fear and never hesitated.

When he came down to ground level a man who had been watching asked, "How did you ever get a job like that?"

"Well," replied the ironworker, "I used to drive a school bus, but my nerves gave out."

[forwarded by Al Keeney]

today'sTHOT============================

I planted my tomatoes late. How do I make them ketchup?

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Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating

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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Pope Benedict may be tweeting soon





Catholic aid agency launches its first iPhone and iPad App

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In the run-up to Christmas, Catholic aid agency CAFOD has launched its first iPhone and iPad App for young people.

The Advent Calendar App, which is available to download for free, brings the candles and cardboard calendar into the 21st century as well as giving a generation of smartphone users another way to engage with CAFOD’s work. The traditional Jesse Tree – a tree hung with Old Testament symbols that represent the different ways God prepared the world for the birth of Jesus – has been reinvented this Advent. App users can click on a numbered tag hanging from the tree, to reveal the story, reflection, prayer and action for that day.

The app also links users to CAFOD’s online activities on Facebook and Twitter and gives them an opportunity to engage with CAFOD’s ‘Hungry for Change’ campaign.

Kathleen O’Brien, CAFOD’s Secondary Writer and Materials Co-ordinator, said: “I love this app! The design is clean and fresh, and it’s great that people will be able to reflect with CAFOD while they’re on a bus or standing in a shop queue, rather than needing access to a computer or laptop. This is a wonderful way for young people to put their faith into action, learn about the work of CAFOD, and show their solidarity with their brothers and sisters around the world this advent.”

Julia Anna Byrne, former school chaplain and Programme leader at St Vincent’s retreat centre, Whitstable, said: “I wish I’d had this app last year when I was still working in a school. It would have been great to carry the Advent calendar in my pocket as well as using the PowerPoint version in assemblies.”

Featuring inspiring stories, photos and reflections from CAFOD’s partners and projects around the world, CAFOD’s first app is a great alternative to the more commercial chocolate filled calendar.

In addition to the new app, the popular Advent Calendar PowerPoint’s for primary and secondary schools are available for download on the education page of CAFOD’s website.

Download the Advent Calendar app for free at: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/cafod-2012/id575482319

Download CAFOD’s PowerPoint advent calendars for Primary and Secondary students at: http://www.cafod.org.uk/Media/Files/Resources/Secondary/resource-pages/Young-people-s-Advent-calendar

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant...

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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Food Funny

A young man was home from college over semester break.

He had complained to no end about the poor food at school, so his mom offered to make his favorite breakfast.

After he took the first bite of his eggs benedict, he smiled and said, “You know Mom, there's no place like home for the hollandaise.”

[forwarded by BJ Bosche]

today'sTHOT============================

Baseball - what a great job! Where else would a .250 efficiency rate get you a $10 million raise?

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.

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THE BLESSING OF THORNS

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I...I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra, "for Thanksgiving?"

"Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys gratitude this Thanksgiving?

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses.

Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please." Barbara replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right...I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra. "I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read: "Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

today'sTHOT============================

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.

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The lamp of the body is the eye

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How you see is what you see. And to see rightly is to be able to be fully present—without fear, without bias, and without judgment




Inspiration for Thanksgiving

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Happy Thanksgiving!

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

SIgns You're Overdoing Thanksgiving

~ Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

~ Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

~ You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

~ You spill more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

~ Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

~ The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

~ The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

~ Your "Old Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist.

~ You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

~ You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.

~ Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

~ You have five TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

~ That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

~ Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your waterbed.

~ Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

~ You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

~ It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas.

~ Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard and delete this.

~ A guest quotes the Biblical passage from the feeding of the 5,000.

today'sTHOT============================

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Ways Thanksgiving Might Have Gone Down During Biblical Times

7. Terrible chariot jams on the way to Grandma's house

6. Young Israelite boys with slingshots shooting at the giant inflatable Caesar balloons which highlight every Phatama's Thanksgiving day parade (Phatama, a holiday tradition for 60 years)

5. You think 4 days of turkey leftovers get old? Imagine roasting a camel! (Would you like the hump or a leg?)

4. No meal would be complete without an appetizer tray consisting of kumquat dip, those little round sausages that everybody likes but don't know what they're called, and Kentucky fried dove.

3. Ahkmed seltzer, helping heartburn sufferers for 3 score and 7 years

2. Men bonding after dinner while watching rip roaring gladiator games on TV

1. Women suddenly having the urge to go to the Jerusalem marketplace the next day

From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/084993740X

today'sTHOT============================

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
A: Drumsticks for everybody!

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Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

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Monday, November 19, 2012

KC Chiefs fan's death blamed on the struggling football team

Read the first sentence of the obituary for Loren G. “Sam” Lickteig that appeared in the Kansas City Star on Sunday:

“Loren G. “Sam” Lickteig passed away on Nov. 14, 2012 of complications from MS and heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs football team.”

This is not the first time someone’s obituary mentioned a sports team, though it’s probably the first time a franchise’s disappointment has been mentioned as the cause of death. Surely whoever wrote the obituary was just joking, but it’s still probably the strongest indictment of the 1-8 team yet.

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Things To Do To LIven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

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1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

today'sTHOT============================

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Pleeeeease!... Be Quiet Funny

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,
dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir.That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.




Friday, November 16, 2012

Important news regarding your hand held devices and your health

from From OnlinePsychologyDegree.net
Badgets in Bed Infographic



A Tailor Shop Funny





A tailor's shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, the tailor sat out behind his shop and ate his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day the tailor was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "Every day you sit outside our kitchen and smell our food while eating. We are providing added value to your lunch, and we deserve to be paid for it."

The tailor stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The manager asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

The tailor replied, "I'm paying for the smell of your food with the sound of my money."

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

today'sTHOT============================

Someone showed me how static electricity worked today. I was shocked.

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God’s secret, in which all the jewels of wisdom and knowledge are hidden






The mystics, and those like Moses (Exodus 33:12-23), Jesus (John 5:19-20), and John the Divine (1 John 1:1-3) who personally claim to know God, are always aware that they have been let in on a big and wondrous love secret. Anyone not privy to an inner dialogue, that is, some kind of I-Thou relationship, would call such people presumptuous, emotional, foolish, or even arrogant. How could they presume to claim an actual union with the divine? But this is without doubt “God’s secret, in which all the jewels of wisdom and knowledge are hidden”

Loving God, allow me to experience intimacy with you.

Read more...




THE MORE TRANQUIL A MAN BECOMES, THE GREATER IS HIS SUCCESS, HIS INFLUENCE, HIS POWER FOR GOOD. CALMNESS OF MIND IS ONE OF THE BEAUTIFUL JEWELS OF WISDOM

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Thursday, November 15, 2012

Keep your eyes on the heavens and believe that your feet will carry you well

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A Spelling Funny

Kathy's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathy said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathy answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathy smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]

today'sTHOT============================

The speed of time is one second per second.

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Laws ~ Part 2

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it - OR the store will stop selling it.

Doctor's Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[forwarded by Tracy Barnes]

today'sTHOT============================

Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.

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Monday, November 12, 2012

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO WAL-MART

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Pur ina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day



Give thanks for the rain in your life which waters the flowers of your soul

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A Tesimony Funny

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]

today'sTHOT============================

Velcro - what a rip off!

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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Go Aggies!



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Thank you, veterans!

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Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness

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Saint Leo the Great

With apparent strong conviction of the importance of the Bishop of Rome in the Church, and of the Church as the ongoing sign of Christ’s presence in the world, Leo the Great displayed endless dedication as pope. Elected in 440, he worked tirelessly as "Peter’s successor," guiding his fellow bishops as "equals in the episcopacy and infirmities."

Leo is known as one of the best administrative popes of the ancient Church. His work branched into four main areas, indicative of his notion of the pope’s total responsibility for the flock of Christ. He worked at length to control the heresies of Pelagianism, Manichaeism and others, placing demands on their followers so as to secure true Christian beliefs. A second major area of his concern was doctrinal controversy in the Church in the East, to which he responded with a classic letter setting down the Church’s teaching on the two natures of Christ. With strong faith, he also led the defense of Rome against barbarian attack, taking the role of peacemaker.

In these three areas, Leo’s work has been highly regarded. His growth to sainthood has its basis in the spiritual depth with which he approached the pastoral care of his people, which was the fourth focus of his work. He is known for his spiritually profound sermons. An instrument of the call to holiness, well-versed in Scripture and ecclesiastical awareness, Leo had the ability to reach the everyday needs and interests of his people. One of his sermons is used in the Office of Readings on Christmas.

It is said of Leo that his true significance rests in his doctrinal insistence on the mysteries of Christ and the Church and in the supernatural charisms of the spiritual life given to humanity in Christ and in his Body, the Church. Thus Leo held firmly that everything he did and said as pope for the administration of the Church represented Christ, the head of the Mystical Body, and St. Peter, in whose place Leo acted.

Comment:
At a time when there is widespread criticism of Church structures, we also hear criticism that bishops and priests—indeed, all of us—are too preoccupied with administration of temporal matters. Pope Leo is an example of a great administrator who used his talents in areas where spirit and structure are inseparably combined: doctrine, peace and pastoral care. He avoided an "angelism" that tries to live without the body, as well as the "practicality" that deals only in externals.




Friday, November 9, 2012

Free kittens funny

Just a joke...no harm intended

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of
her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in
her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm Mitt Romney. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Romney.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.

Romney was delighted. He returned to his car, called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Romney
should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl
talk about her discerning kittens.

The next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of
FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans
from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Romney got out of
his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."

Taken by surprise, the Romney stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told
me they were REPUBLICANS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."



In a gentle way, you can shake the world

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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Gather Strength From Life's Storms

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A Dad And His Son, The Surgeon Funny

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[forwarded by John Cumbey]

today'sTHOT============================

Tried to play my shoehorn. Managed to make some footnotes.

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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A Good Samaritan Funny

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

today'sTHOT============================

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex.He's a small arms dealer.

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Cooperation is working together with patience and affection to get something done...

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A baby brother baptism funny

infant-baptism

After the baptism of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That deacon said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

Modified for RC

today'sTHOT============================

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote

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A small boy and money funny

Photo of a Collection Plate

A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]

today'sTHOT============================

A little boy was overheard praying, "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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Monday, November 5, 2012

If You Want Peace Work For Justice

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From the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern world of the Second Vatican

Men must not be content simply to support the efforts of others in the work for peace; they must also scrutinize their own attitudes. Statesmen, responsible as they are for the common good of their own nation and at the same time for the well-being of the whole world, are very much dependent on the opinions and convictions of the general public. Their efforts to secure peace are of no avail as long as men are divided or set against each other by feelings of hostility, contempt and distrust, by racial hatred or by inflexible ideologies. There is then a very great and urgent need to reeducate men and to provide fresh inspiration in the field of public opinion.

Those engaged in education, especially among young people, and those who influence public opinion, should consider it a very serious responsibility to work for the reeducation of mankind to a new attitude toward peace. We must all undergo a change of heart. We must look out on the whole world and see the tasks that we can all do together to promote the well-being of the family of man. We must not be misled by a false sense of hope. Unless antagonism and hatred are abandoned, unless binding and honest agreements are concluded, safeguarding universal peace in the future, mankind, already in grave peril, may well face in spite of its marvelous advance in knowledge that day of disaster when it knows no other peace than the awful peace of death.

In saying this, however, the Church of Christ, living as it does in the midst of these anxious times, continues unwaveringly in hope. Time and again, in season and out of season, it seeks to proclaim to our age the message of the Apostle: Now is the hour of God’s favor, the hour for change of heart; now is the day of salvation.

To build peace, the causes of human discord which feed the fires of war must first be eliminated, and among these especially the violations of justice. Many of these causes are due to gross economic inequality and delay in providing necessary remedies. Others arise from a spirit of domination and from a contempt for others, and, among more fundamental causes, from human envy, distrust, pride and other forms of selfishness. Since man cannot bear so many violations of due order, the result is that, even where war does not rage, the world is constantly plagued by human conflict and acts of violence.

The same evils are also found in relations between nations. It is therefore absolutely necessary that international institutions should cooperate more effectively, more resolutely and with greater coordination of effort, in order to overcome or prevent these evils, and to check unbridled acts of violence. There must also be constant encouragement for the creation of organizations designed to promote peace.



The Law of the Garbage Truck.

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One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.

[forwarded by Roger Littlepage]

today'sTHOT============================

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.

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It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves

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Ice Fishing Funny

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This guy decides to go ice fishing. He collects his gear, goes out onto the ice, pulls out an auger and starts drilling.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "There are no fish there."

So the guy goes to another spot and starts to drill.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "There's no fish there, either."

Undaunted, the guy tries a third spot.

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "Nope. Not there either."

The guy is getting a little nervous. He looks up and calls out: "Are you God?

LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: "No. I'm the arena manager."

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

givingCREDIT===========================

Thanks to Funnies reader Melinda who pointed out that Friday's Garbage "Funny" was written by David Pollay: http://themomentumproject.com/

today'sTHOT============================

Did you ever want to call a maternity ward and ask if they deliver?

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES:

Part 2

~ "Come on In! by Doris Open

~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp

~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight

~ "Prison Security" by Barb Dweyer

~ "Irish First Aid" by R.U. O'Kaye

~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo

~ "Here's Pus in Your Eye" by Lance Boyle

~ "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi

~ "Why I Eat at McDonalds" by Tommy Ayk

~ "I Hit the Wall" by Isadore There

~ "The Bruce Lee Story" by Marsha Larts

~ "Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt

~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long

~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde

~ "How I Won the Marathon" by Randy Hoelway

~ "Songs from "South Pacific"" by Sam and Janet Evening

today'sTHOT============================

If you lined up all the cars in the world end-to-end -- some jerk would try to pass them.

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Where there is great love there are always miracles

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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Reflection for this Sunday ~ Mark 12:28-34

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There are many today who are suspicious of exclusive claims in religion. Our critics say that to believe that we have the truth is dangerous. It may make us intolerant.

Everybody, they say, should be respected, with their different understandings. Well, yes; but do the critics set about it the right way?

This Sunday’s readings make us think about this because they shimmer with passionate commitment. In our first reading Moses is addressing the people before the entry into the Promised Land. Our reading (Deut. 6.2-6) ends with a ringing injunction that the Lord is the one and only God, and is to be loved with heart, mind and strength. Incidentally, you ought to know that this passage is known to Jews as the Shema and is to be prayed daily. Parents teach it to their children. Traditionally these are the last words on the lips of a dying Jew. The Shema was heard as an act of defiance repeatedly as the doors of the gas chambers closed at Auschwitz, faith in God being asserted even as the darkness closed in. What faithfulness and courage this short passage reminds us of when we think of these things.

And now we find the words picked up by Jesus in the gospel (Mk. 12.28-34).

Traditionally there are 613 precepts in Torah Judaism, and at the time of Jesus it was not unusual for a spiritual master to be asked which was the greatest. It was, you might say, a keenly debated question. Jesus cites the Shema, but to it he adds a quotation from Leviticus 19.18b: ‘You must love your neighbour as yourself.’ But if we look at the text from Leviticus we find a challenge to us. Here is the full quotation from Leviticus 19.18: ‘You shall not take vengeance or bear any grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbour as yourself: I am the Lord.’ So, what begins in the Old Testament as an act of generous loyalty to your own people is universalised by Jesus: quite simply, everybody is our neighbour – as he himself taught so beautifully in the parable of the Good Samaritan.

So: is it right or wrong, constructive or destructive, to have strong faith in God? Many people say today that religion is associated with violence. But actually, looking around me, it seems that any kind of passionate belief can lead people astray. Politics can be destructive. For that matter, I would think that the bankers who led the world economy to the brink of collapse no doubt believed strongly at the time in what they were doing. Any belief can blind us, and we have to admit that religious fanaticism has a lot to answer for.

But look again at the words of Jesus. To love God and to love neighbour: these, he is telling us, are inseparable. And we remember that his definition of neighbour excluded no one. If we live these words, then we will be forgiving, generous, kind, loving, supportive, reconciling. No doubt we only achieve these things partially, but the challenge to be so is always before us, and it includes not just words but the living example of Jesus himself.

To be passionate in loving God in the way that Jesus tells us is not a way of intolerance. Rather, it gives us a centre from which our actions can flow. It gives us a centredness which will help to steady us rather than letting us be swept away by the passions and fashions of the moment. Passionate love of God in this mode sets us free and strengthens us for service in the world that was made, loved and redeemed by God.

Fr Terry Tastard is Parish Priest of St Mary's, East Finchley, in north London.




Know that the greatest fear is fear of the unknown. Seek to meet the unknown with courage and a sense of adventure

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Thursday, November 1, 2012

Books Funny I

Announcing these new books ~ Part 1

~ "How to Write Big Books" by Warren Peace

~ "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff

~ "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow

~ "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep

~ "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

~ "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel

~ "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

~ "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate

~ "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

~ "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung

~ "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

~ "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud

~ "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter

~ "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples

~ "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

today'sTHOT============================

There are three kinds of memory: good, bad, and convenient.

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There is beauty and adventure in the commonplace for those with eyes to see beyond.

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Jimmy V's Speech Still Inspires


I have watched Jimmy V's speech more than ten times. It still inspires and brings tears. DG















Litany of the Saints





Are all saints perfect people?

Jack is back, this time hitting the streets of New York City's east village to find out what people know about the saints. Are they all perfect people? Do they have to be Catholic? What are their best qualities? Follow our friend and colleague, Fr. Jack Collins, CSP, as he journeys the city to find out what people know.