Friday, August 31, 2012
When we all get to heaven ...who will be made whole?
By Al Keeney
I had noticed the young man bagging groceries before. He took his job seriously and worked at it diligently. It's not easy for a person with Down's syndrome to find a job and he appreciated the opportunity to do something useful and earn his own money.
That particular day he bagged my groceries and placed them carefully in the cart for me. I thanked him and moved to push the cart out the door. After all, I'm a man! I can carry my own groceries. But he would have nothing of that. He informed me that that was his job.
I said, "OK," and he followed me out to my car. I opened the trunk and he put the bags in. I smiled and said, "Thank you."
Suddenly, he put his arms around me and said, "I like you!" I said the only thing I could say; "I like you, too."
Over the years I have read hundreds of books on a wide variety of subjects: I have heard countless sermons and preached hundreds myself; I have witnessed several remarkable, even historic events. But you know, I don't remember any of those things as clearly as I recall that simple expression of innocent love.
Now, some will say that when I see that young man in Heaven, he will have been made whole. In other words, they think he will be like the rest of us. But I wonder.
I wonder if, when by God's grace I am made whole, I won't be more like that young man than he like me. You see, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [Galatians 6:22-23]. My friend the bag boy was blessed with all those qualities and none of the pride or meanness that so often afflicts me.
When we get to heaven, few of the abilities we value so highly here will matter very much. And honestly now, would you like to spend eternity debating the finer points of physics or theology or fine art with some world renowned authority, or would you rather spend it singing in the choir seated next to a kid who is not embarrassed to give you a hug and tell you that he likes you?
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Copyright 2012 Al Keeney. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
today'sTHOT============================
The only difference between the difficult and the impossible is that the impossible takes a bit longer.
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I had noticed the young man bagging groceries before. He took his job seriously and worked at it diligently. It's not easy for a person with Down's syndrome to find a job and he appreciated the opportunity to do something useful and earn his own money.
That particular day he bagged my groceries and placed them carefully in the cart for me. I thanked him and moved to push the cart out the door. After all, I'm a man! I can carry my own groceries. But he would have nothing of that. He informed me that that was his job.
I said, "OK," and he followed me out to my car. I opened the trunk and he put the bags in. I smiled and said, "Thank you."
Suddenly, he put his arms around me and said, "I like you!" I said the only thing I could say; "I like you, too."
Over the years I have read hundreds of books on a wide variety of subjects: I have heard countless sermons and preached hundreds myself; I have witnessed several remarkable, even historic events. But you know, I don't remember any of those things as clearly as I recall that simple expression of innocent love.
Now, some will say that when I see that young man in Heaven, he will have been made whole. In other words, they think he will be like the rest of us. But I wonder.
I wonder if, when by God's grace I am made whole, I won't be more like that young man than he like me. You see, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [Galatians 6:22-23]. My friend the bag boy was blessed with all those qualities and none of the pride or meanness that so often afflicts me.
When we get to heaven, few of the abilities we value so highly here will matter very much. And honestly now, would you like to spend eternity debating the finer points of physics or theology or fine art with some world renowned authority, or would you rather spend it singing in the choir seated next to a kid who is not embarrassed to give you a hug and tell you that he likes you?
------------
Copyright 2012 Al Keeney. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
today'sTHOT============================
The only difference between the difficult and the impossible is that the impossible takes a bit longer.
=======================================
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Thursday, August 30, 2012
Shhhhhh! Funny
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
today'sTHOT============================
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012
THE MINDSET LIST FOR THE CLASS OF 2016
Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List, providing a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall. Each year Mikey's Funnies loves to share it with you:
For this generation of entering college students, born in 1994, Kurt Cobain, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Richard Nixon and John Wayne Gacy have always been dead.
1. They should keep their eyes open for Justin Bieber or Dakota Fanning at freshman orientation.
2. They have always lived in cyberspace, addicted to a new generation of "electronic narcotics."
3. The Biblical sources of terms such as "Forbidden Fruit," "The writing on the wall," "Good Samaritan," and "The Promised Land" are unknown to most of them.
4. Michael Jackson's family, not the Kennedys, constitutes "American Royalty."
5. If they miss The Daily Show, they can always get their news on YouTube.
6. Their lives have been measured in the fundamental particles of life: bits, bytes, and bauds.
7. Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker's long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.
8. Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.
9. They have never seen an airplane "ticket."
10. On TV and in films, the ditzy dumb blonde female generally has been replaced by a couple of Dumb and Dumber males.
11. The paradox "too big to fail" has been, for their generation, what "we had to destroy the village in order to save it" was for their grandparents'.
12. For most of their lives, maintaining relations between the U.S. and the rest of the world has been a woman's job in the State Department.
13. They can't picture people actually carrying luggage through airports rather than rolling it.
14. There has always been football in Jacksonville but never in Los Angeles.
15. Having grown up with MP3s and iPods, they never listen to music on the car radio and really have no use for radio at all.
16. Since they've been born, the United States has measured progress by a 2 percent jump in unemployment and a 16 cent rise in the price of a first class postage stamp.
17. Benjamin Braddock, having given up both a career in plastics and a relationship with Mrs. Robinson, could be their grandfather.
18. Their folks have never gazed with pride on a new set of bound encyclopedias on the bookshelf.
19. The Green Bay Packers have always celebrated with the Lambeau Leap.
20. Exposed bra straps have always been a fashion statement, not a wardrobe malfunction to be corrected quietly by well-meaning friends.
21. A significant percentage of them will enter college already displaying some hearing loss.
22. The Real World has always stopped being polite and started getting real on MTV.
23. Women have always piloted war planes and space shuttles.
24. White House security has never felt it necessary to wear rubber gloves when gay groups have visited.
25. They have lived in an era of instant stardom and self-proclaimed celebrities, famous for being famous.
26. Having made the acquaintance of Furby at an early age, they have expected their toy friends to do ever more unpredictable things.
27. Outdated icons with images of floppy discs for "save," a telephone for "phone," and a snail mail envelope for "mail" have oddly decorated their tablets and smart phone screens.
28. Star Wars has always been just a film, not a defense strategy.
29. They have had to incessantly remind their parents not to refer to their CDs and DVDs as "tapes."
30. There have always been blue M&Ms, but no tan ones.
This year's list includes 45 additional items that will be found at www.beloit.edu/mindset and at www.themindsetlist.com.
Copyright� 2012 Beloit College, Mindset List is a registered trademark
today'sTHOT============================
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A Golfing Nun Joke
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister.'And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister.'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it! The sweetest swing I ever made!
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!''Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky
and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...'You missed the *%!!** putt, didn't you?'
Say what?...proof men cannot be left alone
This actually happened with some guys from Maine. I think they are from Tennessee on vacation.They dressed the truck up with the guy spread eagled on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads. They went down the Maine toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail... Yes; alcohol was involved...
This proves that men cannot be left alone. They need women to keep them from being stupid.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads. They went down the Maine toll road Interstate, causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail... Yes; alcohol was involved...
This proves that men cannot be left alone. They need women to keep them from being stupid.
Saint Augustine Reflection
Reflection:
What can be said of the great St. Augustine that has not already been said by so many of the faithful throughout the centuries? He is one with whom all of us who struggle with the faith and are tempted can identify. His fall into sin and his conversion and ultimate elevation to the high councils of the Church are well documented by historians and perhaps most importantly by himself in his Confessions.
That he rose from the ashes of sin and debauchery to be held as one of great holiness gives hope to those of use who fall prey to the lures of secular society. We do not praise him because he fell but rather that he rose from that fall in humility and faith. Always in life he pointed to a higher standard than the one he felt he had attained himself. His great intellect, guided by that faith is a treasure of the Church.
As we celebrate his memorial today we are reminded, as was great St. Augustine that while we may be called to places of greatness, our true measure will be that our efforts are on behalf of God and for his glory and not our own. We recall the words of St. Matthew who in chronicling the Lord recalls his words; “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted." May we always place the Glory of the Lord before any other motive that our reward may be received in heaven.
Monday, August 27, 2012
A benefits funny
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel
Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs
were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years
salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full
premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such
benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
The worst thing about censorship is *******.
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Sunday, August 26, 2012
On the anniversary of Katrina...Pray and Prepare Louisiana
T.S. Isaac is expected to strengthen and make landfall as a hurricane on Wednesday morning the seventh anniversay of Hurricane Katrina. Our prayers are with you.
Vin Scully to return to Dodgers booth in 2013
Vin Scully, one of baseball's most beloved broadcasters, is sticking around for another year with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
The 84-year-old Hall of Famer will return for a record 64th season in 2013. He began his professional baseball broadcasting career in 1950 with the Brooklyn Dodgers, and has called three perfect games, 25 no-hitters, 25 World Series and 12 All-Star games.
Scully said he is feeling energized after the Guggenheim Baseball Management group bought the team from Frank McCourt this spring for $2 billion.
''I was so impressed by the new ownership,'' Scully said Sunday morning in the Dodger Stadium press box. ''I was here for the press conference, and I heard some big talk. I wondered whether they would actually do what they said they would do. How fast will they move? How high will they try to take the team? Well, they have done it 10 times over. And what they've done is revitalized the city, revitalized the team, the fans - and myself.''
General manager Ned Colletti has acquired nine new players since the week before the July 31 trading deadline. The biggest trade was completed on Saturday, with Adrian Gonzalez, Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Nick Punto coming over from the Boston Red Sox in a nine-player megadeal in which the club inherited $275 million in contracts.
''They want to win, and they want to win now. So I'd like to hold on with both hands and see just how far they'll take this ballclub - because I really think they're going to take it as high as it can possible go,'' Scully said. ''And with all the optimism, it would be pretty hard to walk away from that.''
The Dodgers haven't won a World Series title since 1988, but that isn't the primary reason Scully's coming back.
''I don't really measure how long I want to stay by the success of the team. I really think it's inside,'' Scully said. ''It has nothing to do with the team. It's the love affair. That's part of the way I feel about baseball.''
It might be hard to imagine, considering how long Scully has been the voice of the Dodgers' franchise, but there was a time when he nearly left the team's broadcast booth.
''Personally, there were a couple of times that I really don't care to think about,'' he said. ''But one time, we had been out here only about four years, and I got a call from a friend of mine in the advertising business who said: 'Did you ever think about coming back and doing the Yankee games?'
''The great Mel Allen was having some troubles, and they were wondering what would happen if Mel couldn't continue, and they thought about bringing 'the kid' back to New York. I thought about it for maybe 72 hours, but I realized that I was so in love with the O'Malley family that there was no way I was going to walk away. That was probably the closest I came to even giving it a thought.''
Scully will continue to call all Dodgers home and road games in California and Arizona. But there is one other scheduled road series next season that he doesn't want to miss.
''There is a temptation - and if my wife Sandy promises to go with me - I really would like to see Yankee Stadium and the Dodgers play the Yankees,'' Scully said. ''That's scheduled for two games next year, so that really gets my imagination stirring. First of all, I've never seen the new Yankee Stadium. I can remember my first World Series there in 1953, so a lot of things will come back when and if I go to New York.''
The Dodgers say Scully's tenure is the longest of any broadcaster with any team. He calls all nine innings of the team's TV broadcasts, while the first three innings of each of his games are simulcast on radio. Dodgers chairman and owner Mark Walter says Scully's return for another season ''means a great deal to all of us.''
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Saturday, August 25, 2012
August 25 • St. Louis of France
At his coronation as king of France, Louis IX bound himself by oath to behave as God’s anointed, as the father of his people and feudal lord of the King of Peace. Other kings had done the same, of course. Louis was different in that he actually interpreted his kingly duties in the light of faith. After the violence of two previous reigns, he brought peace and justice.
He was crowned king at 12, at his father’s death. His mother, Blanche of Castile, ruled during his minority. When he was 19 and his bride 12, he was married to Marguerite of Provence. It was a loving marriage, though not without challenge. They had 11 children.
Louis “took the cross” for a Crusade when he was 30. His army seized Damietta on the Nile but not long after, weakened by dysentery and without support, they were surrounded and captured. Louis obtained the release of the army by giving up the city of Damietta in addition to paying a ransom. He stayed in Syria four years.
He deserves credit for extending justice in civil administration. He drew up regulations for his officials which became the first of a series of reform laws. He replaced trial by battle with a form of examination of witnesses and encouraged the beginning of using written records in court.
Louis was always respectful of the papacy, but defended royal interests against the popes and refused to acknowledge Innocent IV’s sentence against Emperor Frederick II.
Louis was devoted to his people, founding hospitals, visiting the sick and, like his patron St. Francis, caring even for people with leprosy. (He is one of the patrons of the Secular Franciscan Order.) Louis united France—lords and townsfolk, peasants and priests and knights—by the force of his personality and holiness. For many years the nation was at peace.
Every day Louis had 13 special guests from among the poor to eat with him, and a large number of poor were served meals near his palace. During Advent and Lent, all who presented themselves were given a meal, and Louis often served them in person. He kept lists of needy people, whom he regularly relieved, in every province of his dominion.
Disturbed by new Muslim advances in Syria, he led another crusade in 1267, at the age of 41. His crusade was diverted to Tunis for his brother’s sake. The army was decimated by disease within a month, and Louis himself died on foreign soil at the age of 44. He was canonized 27 years later.
Comment:
Louis was strong-willed, strong-minded. His word was trusted utterly, and his courage in action was remarkable. What is most remarkable was his sense of respect for anyone with whom he dealt, especially the “humble folk of the Lord.” To care for his people he built cathedrals, churches, libraries, hospitals and orphanages. He dealt with princes honestly and equitably. He hoped to be treated the same way by the King of Kings, to whom he gave his life, his family and his country.
Patron Saint of:
Barbers
Grooms
He was crowned king at 12, at his father’s death. His mother, Blanche of Castile, ruled during his minority. When he was 19 and his bride 12, he was married to Marguerite of Provence. It was a loving marriage, though not without challenge. They had 11 children.
Louis “took the cross” for a Crusade when he was 30. His army seized Damietta on the Nile but not long after, weakened by dysentery and without support, they were surrounded and captured. Louis obtained the release of the army by giving up the city of Damietta in addition to paying a ransom. He stayed in Syria four years.
He deserves credit for extending justice in civil administration. He drew up regulations for his officials which became the first of a series of reform laws. He replaced trial by battle with a form of examination of witnesses and encouraged the beginning of using written records in court.
Louis was always respectful of the papacy, but defended royal interests against the popes and refused to acknowledge Innocent IV’s sentence against Emperor Frederick II.
Louis was devoted to his people, founding hospitals, visiting the sick and, like his patron St. Francis, caring even for people with leprosy. (He is one of the patrons of the Secular Franciscan Order.) Louis united France—lords and townsfolk, peasants and priests and knights—by the force of his personality and holiness. For many years the nation was at peace.
Every day Louis had 13 special guests from among the poor to eat with him, and a large number of poor were served meals near his palace. During Advent and Lent, all who presented themselves were given a meal, and Louis often served them in person. He kept lists of needy people, whom he regularly relieved, in every province of his dominion.
Disturbed by new Muslim advances in Syria, he led another crusade in 1267, at the age of 41. His crusade was diverted to Tunis for his brother’s sake. The army was decimated by disease within a month, and Louis himself died on foreign soil at the age of 44. He was canonized 27 years later.
Comment:
Louis was strong-willed, strong-minded. His word was trusted utterly, and his courage in action was remarkable. What is most remarkable was his sense of respect for anyone with whom he dealt, especially the “humble folk of the Lord.” To care for his people he built cathedrals, churches, libraries, hospitals and orphanages. He dealt with princes honestly and equitably. He hoped to be treated the same way by the King of Kings, to whom he gave his life, his family and his country.
Patron Saint of:
Barbers
Grooms
Friday, August 24, 2012
A boss funny
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"
today'sTHOT============================
Broken pencils are pointless.
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Thursday, August 23, 2012
FUNNY MEMO FROM THE PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee
today'sTHOT============================
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Job funny
TO:
Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafters Carpenter Shop
Nazareth 25922
FROM:
Jordan Management Consultants
Jerusalem 26544
Dear Sir:
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.
The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them.
As part of our service and for your guidance, we make some general comment, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation and comes without any additional fee.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.
- Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.
- Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
- The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.
- Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.
- We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.
- James, son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of great ability and resourcefulness, interacts with people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Sincerely yours,
Jordan Management Consultants
today'sTHOT============================
All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.
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Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafters Carpenter Shop
Nazareth 25922
FROM:
Jordan Management Consultants
Jerusalem 26544
Dear Sir:
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.
The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them.
As part of our service and for your guidance, we make some general comment, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation and comes without any additional fee.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.
- Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper.
- Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.
- The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.
- Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale.
- We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.
- James, son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.
One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of great ability and resourcefulness, interacts with people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.
We wish you every success in your new venture.
Sincerely yours,
Jordan Management Consultants
today'sTHOT============================
All those in favor of reducing gasoline consumption, raise your right foot.
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Monday, August 20, 2012
Cajun and the bell
Late one night, Boudreaux saw a sign on one of them big buildings in downtown N'awlins. It say: "Press bell for night watchman." So the Boud' pressed the bell.
After several minutes the night watchman could be heard clomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the Boud', "what do you want?"
Boud' say "Why, I just wanted to know why you can't press that bell yourself!
today'sTHOT============================
When I was little, my dad had me convinced the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played, dad, well played.
After several minutes the night watchman could be heard clomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the Boud', "what do you want?"
Boud' say "Why, I just wanted to know why you can't press that bell yourself!
today'sTHOT============================
When I was little, my dad had me convinced the ice cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played, dad, well played.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
A Parrot Funny
One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer,
"He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
today'sTHOT============================
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents To Avoid...my bad.
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===============================
Thursday, August 16, 2012
A flyswat funny
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone."
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!
[forwarded by JR Whitby]
today'sTHOT============================
On the Internet you can choose to be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
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===============================
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
A Physics Funny
During a difficult physics lecture, a pre-med student interrupted: "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded firmly, and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again: "So, how exactly does physics save lives?"
The prof replied, "It keeps the idiots out of medical school."
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
today'sTHOT============================
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.
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Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A Pirate Funny
So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
[forwarded by Adon Brownell]
today'sTHOT============================
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Monday, August 13, 2012
A chaos funny
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
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From www.mikeysFunnies.com
The doctor pointed out that according to biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
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From www.mikeysFunnies.com
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Story of the Prodigal Son Retold
Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weathered friends.
Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier" the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors."
But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to set forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
The fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of formal falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.
His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."
today'sTHOT==================
Don't be upset that rosebushes have thorns; rejoice that thorn bushes have roses.
============================
From www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier" the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors."
But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to set forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
The fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of formal falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.
His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."
today'sTHOT==================
Don't be upset that rosebushes have thorns; rejoice that thorn bushes have roses.
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From www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Thursday, August 9, 2012
A Macho Funny
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
today'sTHOT============================
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right.
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===============================
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
today'sTHOT============================
I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right.
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
A walk on water funny
A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.
Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.
today'sTHOT============================
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
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===============================
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
A Buddy Funny
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
today'sTHOT============================
A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!
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===============================
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!"
Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
today'sTHOT============================
A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Monday, August 6, 2012
Email funny
Hi Susie,
Thought I'd send a short email to apologize about our lunch date yesterday ... I don't know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there ... guess I've learned my lesson -- you just can't have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9s(wwb3*kkjnn xbbp $mmk???zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids around.
Love,
Jane
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine.
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===============================
Thought I'd send a short email to apologize about our lunch date yesterday ... I don't know what made me think we could chat and catch up with the baby there ... guess I've learned my lesson -- you just can't have any kind of sensible conversatii) ###yyt JJ9s(wwb3*kkjnn xbbp $mmk???zzllwwpzt#BBBp223# #jjjj(((dfsssw4 ---// ... -- with kids around.
Love,
Jane
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine.
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Life: What if it were only an illusion?
What if it were only an illusion?
Perhaps life is not as threatening as it appears.
Perhaps the greatest threat to our serenity
is our fear of the future -
our fear of the unknown.
Perhaps, as Franklin D. Roosevelt said,
"The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself."
GROWING OLD
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant-garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's & 70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ..... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swimsuit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]
today'sTHOT============================
Become richer instantly...desire less.
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PASS IT ON!
Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if you're REAL nice, you'll tell them where you got it! www.mikeysFunnies.com
===============================
Thursday, August 2, 2012
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